Wonderfully Imperfect

About This Site

i am a woman on the edge -- on the edge of greatness, of mania, and of wonder and amazement, all at the same time.

i am an artist and a corporate refugee, who has struggled and derailed and been really STUCK....and who continually dusts herself off.

here i share my artistic and personal journey, and how i became known as the "princess of getting up again" and the "imp-ress of imperfection."

it's a celebration of continually focusing on "being where i am," and never coming from a place of lack or "not good enough". it's a celebration of being "wonderfully imperfect", and you're invited!

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• June 2006
• May 2006
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• Celebrating Imperfection (Why This Blog)
• ENOUGH
• LINKS (in progress!)
• The Coach ...or the "UN-Coach?"
• I Love What Is
• Twirly Girl
• Growing Up Geeky!
• Journal Candy...
• I hate being sick AGAIN
• Broken-ness
• We Have Everything We Need
• To A Burned Out Mom
• Getting Fired, Part 2
• Thoughts on Marriage
• That Yin and Yang Thang

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i like to hope that
when i explore,
via posts here
and emails to my online friends,
that it works on some level BEYOND JUST ME
and my mundane STUFF.

frankly, although i like to write,
i dont always wanna GO DEEP.

i can get in my “surface” mode--
i can get “busy"----

and then wonder why my site isn’t done.
wonder why my blog ain’t groovin like what i want.
wonder why i haven’t called someone back.

wonder why there’s art pieces i started
and haven’t returned to,
or haven’t had the balls to post a pic of.

THANK GOD
my “list” friends pull me back in!!!!!

into your families, when i miss mine.
into rememberances, which have just as much value
as going forward, even if they hurt.

into celebrations and “aha’s” and “wow’s”
and ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

into my art and my writing,
ESPECIALLY when
i just don’t think i can open that door.

(and you KNOW..... THAT’S EXACTLY WHEN ya need it most.)

i get my ass kicked every day, in some way,
by someone in a post or email.

WE ROCK IN COLOR

(A little more on feeling fraudulent, lol!)

I find I am my toughest critic.
I’m often sought out by friends and family to “bounce things around” with them when they are going though a tough time or sorting out the mysteries of their little (or large) universes.

Sometimes I hear them say, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I’m sorry”, when they’re feeling ashamed of what they want or think or have done.  (BOY, ARE WE GOOD AT APOLOGIZING OR WHAT???!)

One of the things that I am really GREAT at is “giving permission”. So instead of “shoulding on themselves”, I tell folks it’s Ok for them to feel whatever they’re feeling. 

(Heck, it’s hard enough to be honest with yourself about WHAT you’re feeling, half the time! You need to
GIVE YOURSELVE CREDIT for going deep—many people are too scared to even try.

I think they’re afraid of what they’ll find.)

Yet for all my empathy and listening skills.......I absolutely SUCK at giving permission to ME.

I guess I attribute it to being brought up as an over-achiever, where I SHOULD do such-and-such and SHOULD have such-and-such, and...well you know the drill.

Where do I get off?  How come I can find understanding and compassion for everyone else, but kick my own ass off the island??

One of my toughest challenges is MINDING MY MIND. Not dwelling about the past.

Learning from it, yes. Revisiting it, in all it’s painful glory and idiocy, yes! But not allowing myself to roll around in
victim-ness.  Forgiving myself.

(And recognizing that once in a while, I deliberately let my Evil Twin out!)

What I’m dwelling on, today:

“To understand our past mistakes and to neutralize the feeling of shame or guilt over our past inadequacies, we must understand that the acts we commit are neither good nor bad but are only wise or unwise depending upon our particular awareness at that time.”

Thomas D. Willhite, “Living Synergistically"

(Some thoughts on VALUING OURSELVES enough to really pay attention to our lives.)

I can get really BENT about things I’ve screwed up for myself!

For example, I got myself fired about 5 years ago, from a good job.

You know, the kind where you work all the time, have company-paid phone lines in your home, two cell
phones, a pager, and you juggle calls on all of them, at one time?

OHHHH but I made GOOD MONEY.

Yeah, I REAlly did!  But I spent a lot of money, in part, ‘cause I was so miserable.
Overspending was a (warped) way to be good to myself.

I could have quit.  I’d thought about it.
But no, I liked the money.
I liked the freedom of being able to telecommute
(although when I now say “freedom”.... and think of the insane amount of hours I worked....
I realize how tunnel-vision-ed I was!)

Actually, something great FINALLY happened.

I was waiting for confirmation that I’d gotten a new job, in a different department.
I’d FINALLY acknowledged to myself that I needed to make some changes,
even though I knew some peers might say, “Oh, she couldn’t hack it”
and some folks would see it as a downgrade.

It was a lesser-paying position,
but one with employees (which I always loved having),
one that would be even MORE technically challenging for me,
and (YEAH!!!) one with quasi-normal (less than 60) hours per week.

YUP, IT WAS GONNA BE GREAT!

And then I got fired for credit-card abuse.

I really hadn’t thought much about it. I kinda told myself, “Everybody does it.”

But NO, everyone does NOT fudge their mileage.
Everyone does NOT sometimes put personal lunches on their expense account.

Maybe subconciously, I WANTED OUT.
Maybe it was my irritation at a job—and a corporation---
whose expectations of me had drastically changed over time.
Maybe it was my anger at myself, in not feeling I could set limits.

My client load had increased,
my amount of hours had become insane,
and I was finding myself overwhelmed at times by the increasing demands.

My peers and I had been told many times “We’ll be re-balancing client workloads,”
as resources dwindled and more and more high-level service issues with our company
seemed to find their way into the media. 

But, nothing changed.

I know now that I felt “little things” didn’t matter.
(Bottom line: I knew better.  I was a manager in the business: I had a fiduciary responsibility.)
I realize now that my reality was becoming, “I DON’T MATTER.”

JUSTIFIED?  HELL NO!!
I BLEW IT, BIG TIME.
AND PAID A BIG PRICE: 22 years down the drain. 

But at the risk of sounding hokey:
FIRING WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

It goes along
with my way of thinking:
that, like it or not,
with or without attachments…
things happen as they do for a divine reason.

Often not when we want them to
or expect them to
but when it is TRULY RIGHT,
by the mysterious standards
of god and the universe.

I DO TRULY BELIEVE THIS.
i just have a hard time with it, at times
like when I’m struggling....

BUT I STILL KNOW IT

i

I gotta warn ya!

Although I’d started journaling and working on art pieces to do with imperfection and derailment some time ago…
I “percolated” a while, about how best to share it.

(Sometimes I just have to SIT with things.  And sometimes I’m just SLOW!)

So, I’m STILL PLAYING with blog templates! 
My blogsites still aren’t totally groovin’ and don’t “look like me”.....YET.

I’ll have more time (throughout June) to re-work and re-design them.

(Sure, the idea of waiting until then to post DID occur to me --- not showin’ any of my WARTS AND ALL, ya know?)

But I truly believe that part of the of the journey of learning to fall in love with imperfection,
and learning NOT to come from a place of lack
is to recognize
that for many of us,
“stuck-ages” and “sitting on things” and “derailment” are
an opportunity to STOP,
and examine our strengths
and celebrate our flaws.

(Derailment actually serves a purpose.)

We can then remember,
--just as I remind myself even now--
that we have everything we need
to thrive and grow....

...that we are WONDERFUL and AMAZING,
right here,
right now.

So I’ll revise and throw out upgrade away,
and it’s GREAT that you’re along for the ride!

So here’s to starting, even imperfectly!
Here’s to all of us.

Hope you have a great day.  Thanks for stopping by!