Wonderfully Imperfect

About This Site

i am a woman on the edge -- on the edge of greatness, of mania, and of wonder and amazement, all at the same time.

i am an artist and a corporate refugee, who has struggled and derailed and been really STUCK....and who continually dusts herself off.

here i share my artistic and personal journey, and how i became known as the "princess of getting up again" and the "imp-ress of imperfection."

it's a celebration of continually focusing on "being where i am," and never coming from a place of lack or "not good enough". it's a celebration of being "wonderfully imperfect", and you're invited!

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• Celebrating Imperfection (Why This Blog)
• ENOUGH
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• I Love What Is
• Twirly Girl
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Mom-ness & Step-Mom-ness

when i was first a stepmother
to two rowdy little boys
whose mother was friggin absent
even when she was in front of them
if you get my drift

i would get really overwhelmed
by the situation
by their neediness
by the huge void i could see
being created
and by what i worried was to come
in the future

i would focus on what i didn’t know
and on how much they
would need me
since their parents
were so freaking polarized

i dwelt on how lacking i was
and surely would be --
what did i know about this shit?

the battles and the escalations
and how “out there” the mom was
made my dysfuncional upbringing
pale by comparison

on top of that,
my brother was quiet and geeky.
i grew up with geeky sisters
not little boys
who farted in line with me at the bank
and got grubby and smelly
who played every sport known to man
and went to sleep with frogs in their bed
and sidled up to me, wanting to know
how that man down the street
could actually be named DICK????

(think about that, thru the mind
of a small boy....wouldja?!)

oh god,
i asked,
am i gonna be worthy
or just totally add to this
fucked up mess?

then i read somewhere
that we grow in parenting
as our kids (biological or otherwise)
grow

we are “as old” as parents
as our kids are
in age
or something like that

somehow that helped-
somehow i GOT
that it’s gonna be OK,
somehow

i often forget
but this i KNOW,
re parenting and everything else:

we have everything we need
we have everything we need
we have everything we need

(NOTE: ONCE IN A WHILE I’M SHARING SOME PIECES OF POSTS
I WROTE TO MY ONLINE “LIST”...

I CAN SAY ANYTHING THERE AND I’M FEELING LIKE IT’S GOOD
TO SHARE IT HERE, TOO!)

THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE TO A DEAR ONLINE FRIEND:

i’m seeing SOX on little boy feet,
--lovely stinky feet---
the kind of feet that you pet the kitty with,
(although the kitty sometimes snarls)

and that you curl up into a ball with,
as you snuggle on the couch
with mom and bro-bro and who knows who,

in a big soft mix of lovely body parts,
little boys and moms all jumbled together

oh girl!
how rare and wonderful
are the views you provide your kids!

you have the toughest job in the universe
oh yeah

and even if you --if we--are often imperfect-
i firmly believe
we are the perfect parents
at this perfect time
for what our kids need RIGHT NOW

for we allow them to learn
the JOYS OF THE JOURNEY:

we give them the gifts
of seeing us dream
and of hearing us give thanks

from us, they learn to hope,
straining to hear our whispers
as we wish upon another star

they get to feel us tremble
as we risk!
as we LOVE....
as we step out into the unknown
and as we- GASP - allow them to risk, too

and when we fail
they see us pick ourselves up
and BUST OUR BUTTS!

we rise to meet the day,
with new hope
and new promise
(quite often while wearing crazy socks)

YES, we might sometimes wish
for our sons
and step sons
to have known us in a more perfect light-

oh, sure, we could have saved them hurts,
if they could already’ve learned the things
we only now are divining

but maybe
what they most need (or needed)
is to know IT’S OK:

it’s ok to figure it out as you go
it’s ok that some things taste sweeter
the second time aroundi

t’s ok to be wrong
it’s ok to be YOU
(actually it’s pretty fucking special!)

how wonderful
that they’ve learned how special they are
and learned that they have a mom
who is ever present to her feelings!
who has learned to honor her best self
and who challenges those around her
to be their best, too

i honestly don’t think i could ask for much more
than the example that you, my friends, set
for everyone around you!

i hear so much love
when we talk about these things,
whether it’s kids or grandkids or
a friend’s kid or whoever

and i know that this love
rubs off in ways
we cannot even imagine—
IT’S MAGIC

i trust in the magic
i trust in the universe
i trust

i started this blog
as a way to release

i’ve had kind of an interesting life
(or so i’m told, whenever i’ve taken the time to share it)

i always said i never wanted to be bored
(FUNNY HOW GOD CHOSE TO PUT THAT PRAYER AS A PRIORITY!!)

i don’t have a ton of friends locally anymore

i’m realizing that i really used to have “work aquaintances”,
and a couple of good friends
but those have moved away, in recent years
leaving me, i must admit, a little isolated

i grew up in a home
that encouraged introspection and being alone
(ah yes....academia + dystunction + alcoholism
leads to a lot of closed doors)

i’m often closer to online friends
than the ones i smile at, face to face,
as i run into them at the drycleaners

i’m working on breaking those barriers down,
cuz i KNOW i’m the one who put them up

still, there’s things that happened
that seems like long ago
that shaped me
and that i LET shape me

and if you didn’t know me back then
you’d never know

i keep em buried
i bring em out once in a while
(like trotting out a poodle for show)

when i think it’s safe

AND IT’S TIME

i can feel it:
they’ve sat long enough
heck, i’ve sat long enough

when i share, i find i give voice
to others,
who think they’re weird
or warped
or disfigured and damaged

*****

yes, it’s painful to GO BACK
but at the same time
it’s cathartic
I NEED TO REMEMBER SOME THINGS I BURIED
I NEED TO RECONNECT WITH PIECES OF ME THAT I’VE LOST
I NEED TO FEEL, EVEN IF IT HURTS

i cried earlier today
revisiting the past,
reliving MY hurts as i heard my friend’s tears

sometimes it’s not what happens
but HOW YOU REACT
and motherhood and STEP-MOTHERHOOD
was FREAKING TOUGH

that said
i love my stepkids
i think of them as my kids,
my own....
but i know there’s days
they could care less

sometimes it hurts to remember
today HURT LIKE HELL

but without remembering
i wouldn’t appreciate
the life i have
and the love that spills over

NOTE:MY GOOD FRIEND IS GOING THRU A REALLY HARD TIME…

SHE’S A SINGLE MOM, DIVORCED WITH 2BOYS...WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF HER EX’S VENOM....
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY....TRYING TO INVOLVE HIM IN HIS CHILDREN’S LIVES

AND SOME DAYS IT NEARLY KILLS HER…
THIS IS WHAT I SHARED WITH HER:

oh girl
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

i know you are EVERYTHING
for those little guys!!!

and i know, babe
that EVEN ON YOUR WORST FRIGGING DAY,
THE DAY YOU ARE CURLED UP
IN THAT BALL

they still know YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM
THEY KNOW YOU LOVE EM
EVEN WHEN YOU YELL
EVEN WHEN YOU’RE EXHAUSTED
EVEN WHEN YOU’RE CRYING

AND EVEN WHEN THEY COME BACK FROM ASSWIPE’S HOUSE
AND FROM WHATEVER SHIT HE PULLED THAT DAY....
they know they are
LUCKY BOYS

being with you is their security
being with you is their joy
being with you teaches them

that LOVE IS KIND
that LOVE DOESN’T HAVE TO HURT
AND YELL AND SCREAM AND BLAME

teaches them that yes, we STRUGGLE
BUT WE DO IT FOR PEOPLE WE LOVE
and WE DO IT TOGETHER
AS A FAMILY

the lessons they get from you,
they COULD NOT GET ANYWHERE ELSE

yes it’s hard
to be that person,
that god-like structure
who KNOWS AND DOES AND TAKES CARE
OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
(and puts herself so frequently last)

i wish i lived closer to you
i wish i could fly over
(today it would be on my fucking broomstick,
cuz yes-sir-ee this has pushed my buttons BIGTIME)

i’d cook some meals
and freeze em
and do laundry
and clean the house
and mow the yard
and paint some jeans and things to sell
to help with the bills

so you could just be the mom
and enjoy your little boys
and maybe even relax
after little boys go to sleep

(ya know, even god rested on the 7th day)

sigh

all i know is that
BEING THE MOM IS THE MOSTEST
AND THE BESTEST
AND THE HARDEST

just hold on, sweetie

i’m seeing a big celestial brush with gesso
covering our love
and our good wishes
and our prayers

and stiffening those prayers, somehow
with little celestial glue strands

they hold you up
they turn translucent

sometimes they twinkle
and shimmer around you…
....and those lovely, lovely boys

please think of us when you see the stars:
when you see lights
in the distance,
and candles glowing
and flickering softly

know that we are there for you
WE WILL SEE YOU THRU

***************************

as annie lamott says,
there are two prayers:

THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD
and
LORD, HELP ME, HELP ME

big sighs tonite
big blessings we ask
big thanks we give

NOTE:MY GOOD FRIEND IS GOING THRU A REALLY HARD TIME…

SHE’S A SINGLE MOM, DIVORCED WITH 2BOYS...WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF HER EX’S VENOM....
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY....TRYING TO INVOLVE HIM IN HIS CHILDREN’S LIVES

AND SOME DAYS IT NEARLY KILLS HER…
AND READING HER MAILS BRINGS BACK TO MUCH PAIN TO ME,
BUT I HAD TO LET HER KNOW THAT I KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GOING THRU --

THIS IS WHAT I SHARED WITH HER:

i had to take a walk
to get away
for a while

this whole thing brought back so much pain
and anger
and the damn fucking frustration
of dealing with bob’s ex
during my late twenties and all my thirties

she was much the same as the FXXXTARD
you described.

and yes the boys were very confused
and she said shit we couldn’t control to them,
shit she had no business saying,
plus IT WAS ALL LIES!!!

and for what???
WHYYYYY??
DID SHE ENJOY FUCKING THEM UP??

to hell with what she did to me and bob!!
(or more accurately,
TO HELL with WHAT WE LET OURSELVES DWELL ON,
about WHAT SHE DID and SAID--

but why did she wanna screw up
her own kids???

i can guess
it was to cover up her guilt
at having an affair
getting pregnant
and leaving 2little boys
ages 6 and 7 and a half

so she justified her anger
at herself
or maybe not being happy in her marriage
and not wanting to move or take action
or WHATEVER

by going on a BLAME SPREE

she might as well have taken a gun to him
or to them
or to me
cuz the damage she did
WAS ABOUT THE SAME AS IF SHE HAD.

and yes, i blame myself
and i blame US
for letting it get to us so much.

BUT IT WAS SO TOUGH
to deal with her all the time.

i wish she would have moved when
she said she was going to.
but she stayed around
and yes, they saw her,
and yes she called them,
sometime frequently,
sometimes not.

always outta the blue,
changing whatever she agreed to
the day before,
expecting us to change our stuff
or just telling the boys whatever she was doing
so the boys would tell us the new plans…

and then cancelling that again
or may be not.

all the times,
they got disappointed in some way.
all the times coming back fucked up
and angry and MAD AT THE WORLD
and TAKING IT OUT
ON ************** US ****************

and ONCE IN A WHILE
going with her,
and it being everything they wanted--
she was nice--
she was calm--
she had money --
she bought them shit we wouldn’t
and promised them more
if they came to live with her

“OH WOULDN’T BE NICE TO LIVE TOGETHER...”
man, i hate that fucking song.

but then reality would set it,
she’d be her bizarrely fucking self

i used to wish she was on drugs
so i could explain her behaviour

BUT NOT

YEP, SHE PLAYED WITH THEM GOOD
AND THEN THEY TOOK IT OUT ON US…
EVEN WHEN THEY DIDNT KNOW WHY

cuz you know you can only take it out
on the people who won’t leave you

i always wake up at 3am
it’s a habit

i honed it, after years
of waking up and worrying about her

about them

about how they would grow up
about my marriage
and whether it was worth it to stay
cuz as much as i loved him
and loved them

IT TORE ME UP INSIDE ALL THE FUCKING TIME

AND IF I WANNA GO THERE.....
IT ACTUALLY STILL DOES