Wonderfully Imperfect

About This Site

i am a woman on the edge -- on the edge of greatness, of mania, and of wonder and amazement, all at the same time.

i am an artist and a corporate refugee, who has struggled and derailed and been really STUCK....and who continually dusts herself off.

here i share my artistic and personal journey, and how i became known as the "princess of getting up again" and the "imp-ress of imperfection."

it's a celebration of continually focusing on "being where i am," and never coming from a place of lack or "not good enough". it's a celebration of being "wonderfully imperfect", and you're invited!

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Marriage, Imperfect and Otherwise

Friday, May 12, 2006

Thoughts on Marriage

years of being politically correct
have taught me to often not say what i think

(guess that’s why i love my online friends so much!
no holds barred there!)

i’m realizing, though, that
the things i keep to myself
are the things i should MOST say in my marriage.

i can see how my mom
grew to loathe my dad

(living with an alcoholic can do that)

i was brought up to not value men
(but of course I CRAVED THEM--

i bought into all that “need them to complete me” BS
for a while
(especially after growing up gawky and geeky
and being ignored or made fun of by them
during those lovely teenage years)

however, as i got into my thirties
it very much became a case of
“easier to ask forgiveness than permission”
which turned into not even bothering 2discuss things

i had a good job
i didn’t need a guy for money
and no longer, for validation

i just did what i wanted, traveled, etc
and told him i was doing it.

a lot of it i blamed on my career....
....but truly i was just inconsiderate.

i operated under the assumption that
i was “on my own” ....when i really i was not.

i ran fast and hard for many years
and ignored things about my body,
my marriage
and my life.

i some ways i was running away,
and i knew it.
i was escaping
instead
of working to change the things i didn’t like.

i wonder now --
would anyone have gotten thru to me?
major events had to happen for me to pay attention.
job losses. shingles. crashes. deaths.

what was i waiting for??
god on a billboard??
god in an email?
god hanging out at the frozen foods section?

i can only love ME, RIGHT NOW.
i can only look back without reproach.

i can only go forward.

AND NOW:
how sometimes excruciating
but how joyous for us
to finally examine all the nuances of “PARTNER”

it ain’t easy....
but it’s the journey
of a lifetime

Posted by Nancy Vittoria Bello on 05/12 at 03:43 PM
Marriage, Imperfect and Otherwise • (1) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Past and Ex's PART ONE

NOTE:MY GOOD FRIEND IS GOING THRU A REALLY HARD TIME…

SHE’S A SINGLE MOM, DIVORCED WITH 2BOYS...WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF HER EX’S VENOM....
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY....TRYING TO INVOLVE HIM IN HIS CHILDREN’S LIVES

AND SOME DAYS IT NEARLY KILLS HER…
AND READING HER MAILS BRINGS BACK TO MUCH PAIN TO ME,
BUT I HAD TO LET HER KNOW THAT I KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GOING THRU --

THIS IS WHAT I SHARED WITH HER:

i had to take a walk
to get away
for a while

this whole thing brought back so much pain
and anger
and the damn fucking frustration
of dealing with bob’s ex
during my late twenties and all my thirties

she was much the same as the FXXXTARD
you described.

and yes the boys were very confused
and she said shit we couldn’t control to them,
shit she had no business saying,
plus IT WAS ALL LIES!!!

and for what???
WHYYYYY??
DID SHE ENJOY FUCKING THEM UP??

to hell with what she did to me and bob!!
(or more accurately,
TO HELL with WHAT WE LET OURSELVES DWELL ON,
about WHAT SHE DID and SAID--

but why did she wanna screw up
her own kids???

i can guess
it was to cover up her guilt
at having an affair
getting pregnant
and leaving 2little boys
ages 6 and 7 and a half

so she justified her anger
at herself
or maybe not being happy in her marriage
and not wanting to move or take action
or WHATEVER

by going on a BLAME SPREE

she might as well have taken a gun to him
or to them
or to me
cuz the damage she did
WAS ABOUT THE SAME AS IF SHE HAD.

and yes, i blame myself
and i blame US
for letting it get to us so much.

BUT IT WAS SO TOUGH
to deal with her all the time.

i wish she would have moved when
she said she was going to.
but she stayed around
and yes, they saw her,
and yes she called them,
sometime frequently,
sometimes not.

always outta the blue,
changing whatever she agreed to
the day before,
expecting us to change our stuff
or just telling the boys whatever she was doing
so the boys would tell us the new plans…

and then cancelling that again
or may be not.

all the times,
they got disappointed in some way.
all the times coming back fucked up
and angry and MAD AT THE WORLD
and TAKING IT OUT
ON ************** US ****************

and ONCE IN A WHILE
going with her,
and it being everything they wanted--
she was nice--
she was calm--
she had money --
she bought them shit we wouldn’t
and promised them more
if they came to live with her

“OH WOULDN’T BE NICE TO LIVE TOGETHER...”
man, i hate that fucking song.

but then reality would set it,
she’d be her bizarrely fucking self

i used to wish she was on drugs
so i could explain her behaviour

BUT NOT

YEP, SHE PLAYED WITH THEM GOOD
AND THEN THEY TOOK IT OUT ON US…
EVEN WHEN THEY DIDNT KNOW WHY

cuz you know you can only take it out
on the people who won’t leave you

i always wake up at 3am
it’s a habit

i honed it, after years
of waking up and worrying about her

about them

about how they would grow up
about my marriage
and whether it was worth it to stay
cuz as much as i loved him
and loved them

IT TORE ME UP INSIDE ALL THE FUCKING TIME

AND IF I WANNA GO THERE.....
IT ACTUALLY STILL DOES

Posted by Nancy Vittoria Bello on 05/09 at 08:37 AM
Marriage, Imperfect and Otherwise • Mom-ness & Step-Mom-ness • Rebirth and Other Journeys • (0) Comments • (0) Trackbacks • Permalink