Wonderfully Imperfect

About This Site

i am a woman on the edge -- on the edge of greatness, of mania, and of wonder and amazement, all at the same time.

i am an artist and a corporate refugee, who has struggled and derailed and been really STUCK....and who continually dusts herself off.

here i share my artistic and personal journey, and how i became known as the "princess of getting up again" and the "imp-ress of imperfection."

it's a celebration of continually focusing on "being where i am," and never coming from a place of lack or "not good enough". it's a celebration of being "wonderfully imperfect", and you're invited!

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• About This Blog
• Ain't Life GRAND?
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• "Shoulding" on Yourself
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• June 2006
• May 2006
• April 2006

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• Celebrating Imperfection (Why This Blog)
• ENOUGH
• LINKS (in progress!)
• The Coach ...or the "UN-Coach?"
• I Love What Is
• Twirly Girl
• Growing Up Geeky!
• Journal Candy...
• I hate being sick AGAIN
• Broken-ness
• We Have Everything We Need
• To A Burned Out Mom
• Getting Fired, Part 2
• Thoughts on Marriage
• That Yin and Yang Thang

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Disregard the date, please! (I’m “bumping” this one to keep it at the top...)

We’re artists and wordsmiths,
watching the light and dark,
the struggle and the ease of our existence.

Aren’t you AMAZED by the big web we’ve woven?!!

I LOVE TO BE AMAZED!!!

I revel in the the correlation of the way we create art
and the way we create our lives.

I’m in love with the imperfections that make us “US"--
to me, that’s our ...PERFECTION.

Now, I didn’t always think so.

I’ve felt very out-of-the norm.  Different.  Not cool.
Definitely the stuff of “let’s vote-her-off-the-island.

I constantly heard (or felt) that I needed to be “fixed” or “work on” myself.

It took me a long time to realize
that I was wandering through my life, trying to “improve”,
and by doing so, not only setting myself up to fail-
but reinforcing, over and over again,
my lack of value and my inability to achieve what I wanted.

‘Cause if I needed to be “improved”— I must be “lacking”, right??
NOT!!!

I no longer buy into that.

I celebrate my imperfections.
Yes, I still struggle.
Yes, I get knocked down (often by myself!)
And boy, have I derailed!

But I truly believe that part of the of our journey here
requires learning to fall in love with imperfection,
and learning NOT to come from a place of lack.

We can recognize that
“stuck-ages” and “derailment” are
a lovely opportunity to STOP, and
examine our strengths.

We can SEE, really SEE
how our “patinas” and nicks and flaws
give us reason for celebration.

We can then remember,
--just as I remind myself, even now--
that we have everything we need
to thrive and grow....

...that we are WONDERFUL and AMAZING,
right here,
right now.

My friend Kristina shared something that ROCKED MY WORLD this morning:

HER friend, who is a sculptor and artist in her own right, said..." she would love to paint a room where every square inch, every chair, every window, in every color, had the word “Enough” written there.  And that when people walked in, wouldn’t it be nice if that’s what they felt, that everything about them, everything in their lives was just “Enough".”

OH MAN, I WANNA DO THIS IN A BAD WAY!!!

Wish we weren’t workin on our living room, cuz my studio would be EMPTY in 2 minutes flat! (Ok, well make that about 282 minutes...cuz I got a LOTTA STUFF.)

But seriously - I love this!!

It’s so hard, for me and for most folks I know, to realize that we DO have enough.
That we’re GOOD ENOUGH!
THAT WE ROCK!

That we have enough stuff, enough resources, enough abilities...ENOUGH LOVE.

Then I wonder:

DO we HAVE ENOUGH LOVE in this world, a world of war and ______ (fill-in-the-blanks)??!

MAYBE WE DO...AND WE JUST DON’T CHOOSE TO SEE IT, OR TO RECOGNIZE IT.

What she shared SO ties in for me to another post I’d written about worrying about being
a good parent or a good ANYTHING:

http://www.wonderfullyimperfect.com/index.php/wimperfect/comments/we-have-everything-we-need/

“we have everything we need
we have everything we need
we have everything we need”

That was my little mantra for the day....’cause it’s so EASY for me to come from a place of fear and lack. 
Yeah, it’s EASY for me to talk abundance and feel powerful
when things are going well

And if we COULD LIVE THAT WAY --- HOW WOULD THAT CHANGE YOUR DAY?  YOUR LIFE?

Reminders like having “ENOUGH” on a wall....AHHHHHHHHHHH!  I NEED THESE!!!

(OK-now i’m newly motivated to get done with this frigging living room!
In case you didn’t know, here’s what’s going on in my “spare time”:
http://www.fauxmuse.com/index.php/site/comments/whats-new-in-bello-land/

GOTTA FINISH THIS BEFORE I CAN GET TO THE STUDIO.....)

I’m workin’ on a LINKS page....will be adding more things HERE until that’s done—..and YES I DO plan to organize them by category....

http://www.zurabeth.com/ My favourite Journaling Maven!
http://www.denisemihalik.com/ Photography, Muse Classes and More
http://www.stevepavlina.com/index.htm Oral Sex for Your Brain
http://square-peg-people.com/ Profiles of Folks You’d Like & Cool Books, Courses
http://www.flylady.com/ Organization with a gentle, loving HUG!
http://www.artellawordsandart.com/ Where I Found My Tribe
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/ Universal Laws and More
http://www.themuseisin.com/wordpress/ Jill Badonsky’s Blog
http://thedesertdaybyday.blogspot.com/ MB’s Desert Blog
http://www.reach-dabble-shine.com/ Motivation and Renewal..
and an Awesome Section of Weight Loss

ARTISTS I LOVE....
http://www.bonesigharts.com/
http://www.gailrussakov.com
http://www.ninabagley.com/info/inhome.asp

MORE ABOUT ME:
http://www.bellospazio.com What I Do for a Living
http://www.fauxmuse.com My Design Process and (To Come) Articles

I’m getting burned out or turned off or just PUT OFF, somehow,
by COACHING MANIA.

Seems like everyone is a coach.
Which in theory, I accept --- many of us have skills of empathy and are able to help our friends
examine issues easier left UN-EXAMINED....

but yet I get turned off when I am “marketed to”.

Not only have many coaches jumped on the e-book and tele-class bandwagon,
but now I’m being inundated with notifications that they’ve teamed up
with SUCH AND SUCH BIG NAME MARKETER
OR WEB-PERSON
OR MEDIA PERSON.....

.....AND THEY HAVE A ONE STOP SOLUTION FOR ME!!

DANG IT, PEOPLE!!  BACK OFF!!
I FEEL LIKE A NUMBER—THE NUMBER ON YOUR DOLLARS IN YOUR POCKET!!

I’m realizing that their behavior bothers me IN PART
because I’ve been hesitant to define MY OWN abilities as a coach --
frankly, I still struggle with the “WHO IS MY TRIBE” sorta thing
and whether or not I really WANT to hang out that shingle in a big way.

Maybe because I was raised in a family that valued academia above all else,
completing coaching programs without an advanced degree to go along
still seems kinda SMARMY.

YEAH I KNOW --- I’M A BITCH ABOUT THIS, I REALIZE!

But this BIG BIG MARKETING “CHANGE YOUR LIFE, COME TO MY 3-DAY WEEKEND
AND FOREVER BE IMPROVED” just bugs the shit outta me!
And it makes me question the credibility of the entire profession.

If you TOO are peturbed....read Laura Young’s take on it: 

http://antwatching.blogspot.com/2006/05/talkin-bout-revolution.html

http://antwatching.blogspot.com/2006/05/thoughts-on-womens-growth-and.html

http://antwatching.blogspot.com/2006/05/baby-and-bathwater-back-story-on-my.html

http://antwatching.blogspot.com/2006/05/first-daily-show-now-onionlife.html

(In a hurry?  The SHORT version can be found in the post “Baby and the Bathwater”!)

And yeah, Laura is not only a ICF-CERTIFIED COACH,
but also one who began her career as a psychologist....
so I really PAID ATTENTION to her rant!!

And it’s helped me say I DON’T WANNA BE A COACH.
I GUESS I’M THE UN-COACH!!!

i live in southern california,
the land of mc-mansions
and mc-gardens

when i say i’m workin in my garden,
it’s probably TINY TINY TINY
in comparison to many,

but my roses smell as sweet
and the birds sing this morning,
chirping to each other
in a way that tells me
they like it here, JUST FINE

i’m holding on to this moment
i’m loving what is:
my teeny house,
my undone garden,
ME

AIN’T LIFE GRAND?

i am now officially a super-hero!

yes, it’s true

i had shared with friends a while back my thoughts
on our struggles and experiences with our collective dichotomies

we have these views of ourselves, when life goes well
and then these doubts and larger-than-life failings, when things go to hell
or we’re overly tired and over-committed

i call that a dichotomy ‘cause to me,
a dichotomy means being conflicted or having two sides

here is a definition:

Etymology: Greek dichotomia, from dichotomos
1 : a division or the process of dividing into two especially
mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities
2 : the phase of the moon or an inferior planet in
which half its disk appears illuminated
3 a : BIFURCATION; especially : repeated bifurcation (as of a plant’s stem)
b : a system of branching in which the main axis forks repeatedly into two branches
c : branching of an ancestral line into two equal, diverging branches
4 : something with seemingly contradictory qualities

i see us all struggling with what we want to be
vs where we THINK we are

MAN, I JUST LOVE THIS:  “the phase of the moon or an inferior
planet in which half its disk appears illuminated"

what hit me, as i dwelled (dwelt?) on this, is that
i can’t always be confident (not often enough)
and feel capable and smart and sexy

but my alter ego can.....
SO, I MUST NEED TO CREATE ONE!

sort of like nancy, the superhero
who is WITTY when i am feeling powerless
who is BOLD when i am exhausted and weepy
who is one sexy kick-ass woman
(BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER AND FAITH, LOOK OUT!!)
when i am feeling old and frumpy and my clothes don’t fit
who holds court with the best of em

and no, my super hero doesn’t scale walls with an AK47

she TWIRLS
TWIRLS..........
what joy you hear in that word!!!

my favorite thought around self growth
is the idea of wanting to live in amazement

and this somehow seems to fit with that,
TWIRLING THROUGH MY LIFE
BEING AMAZED
RENEWING WTH EACH TWIRL
AND GIVING BIRTH TO JOY

(now....off to work on the outfit!!)

FIRST, some background:

i didn’t get to do a lot of girlie things growin up

i was brought up in the era of “natural” beauty:
YEAH, RIGHT.
tell that to someone trying to hide her acne
and feeling invisible behind glasses
(glasses were NOT cool like they are now!)

my efforts in femininity were often criticized by my family

i dont know why--
maybe they just thought it wasn’t important?
good grades were important
but not looks, or clothes or
anything fou fou-y

somehow the more they poo-poohed any value
of looking less geeky
of “fitting in” a bit

the more i wished for it!

no wonder that i cleaned houses
in order to buy my own clothes
mostly salvation army
and bonnie bell lip gloss from the five and dime

somehow i learned to apologize
for wanting anything beyond what i had
or for daring to think about my looks
or my figure
(what little they were)

it was like: don’t bother

i remember my first husband saying to me,
as we decided to join friends for dinner
“now don’t go getting all PRETTY”

like WHAT? don’t put on a clean tshirt and jeans?
jeeeeeeeez
that was still all i really wore at 20---
but i had lots of vintage jewelry,
so maybe he didn’t like that???
man, i never knew
WHAT HE WANTED
and i was so busy worrying bout THAT
that i didn’t hear WHO I WAS

by my mid twenties i was divorced,
living alone
and loving it

combing flea markets for vintage clothes on the weekends
(this was before EBAY)
wearing it out to clubs
and developing “my style”

it amazed me....like i’d entered SOME NEW CLUB
i’d think, there are girls who are USED to this
who grew up EXPECTING to be shopping for dresses
and pretties,
not being told to move along
or made to feel bad about liking clothes and jewelry

i refuse to get rid of my vintage clothes
even tho i can’t fit into all of em anymore!
i love the way they make me feel
just lookin at em makes me smile

i hang them up as art in my studio
they inspire me
they let me dream

one day i’ll give em to a costume museum

but for now
i am drawn to use netting and vintage lace
and tafetta and vintage buttons
in my art

i guess i finally grew into my idea as someone
who could be feminine,
who could be pretty.....
...even if at times it felt like
strange territory
and something that could be SNATCHED AWAY
AT ANY MOMENT!

funny
i never got asked to prom,
i never had a big wedding, just two simple ceremonies
but i own lacy vintage petticoats that i wear as a skirt
in summer
and sometimes i think of walking down the aisle for real,
in a dress like that

my friend shirley
wrote of seeing her daughter
trying on wedding dresses
and TWIRLING

she wrote of having tears in her eyes....
oh me oh my
her little girl, twirling in her gown
and the sun streaming in the window

TIWRLING
SEEMS TO ME
A DECLARATION OF KNOWING

knowing she is beautiful
knowing she is loved
knowing she is special

knowing she is exuding joy and vibrancy
and is a part of the divine.
knowing she is reflecting all those things back
to the rest of her world

i did not learn those things early in life
they were hard won
and sometimes misplaced

but oh how i loved to hear of her twirling!!!!

and oh how it reconnects me with that side of me
that i have somehow lost touch with
or had dismissed,
lost in years of corporate suits
and all that goes with that culture

I WANT TO TWIRL
I’M GONNA TWIRL
SEE ME SMILE

I really LOVE journaling and collage! 

That is where this blog site will
tie in to my other blog site, http://www.fauxmuse.com......
as I actually have
collaged ENTIRE WALLS for clients
and of course
I do my own playing outside the lines

I’ve been reluctuant to share these, though! 
My crummy reasons for procrastination:

(AHEM!)
Weren’t they too personal?
Isn’t everyone and his/her brother already doing collage…
and so why would they be interested in mine?
(I really do hate to regurgitate the same art form --
I think that’s why I never got into ATC’s.)

LIGHTNING BOLT!
My friend Ruth told me I am a candy-ass wimp and better get in gear!!

Actually she couched it in syrupy Southern words, much nicer than that --
BUT I GOT IT!!

OK, OK.....I’LL HOLLER WHEN THEY’RE HERE!

(love ya ruthie!! xxoo)

I just wanna vent!

I’ve spent most of the past 2 months either being sicker than a dog, or fighting computer glitches.

I’ve had shingles, OVER AND OVER. 

All of a sudden I’m able to sense when they’re coming on:
there’s a weird tast in my mouth,
a tingling, as my fever starts to kick in.

Sometimes it turns into shingles and others into (AGGGGH) fever blisters
where I’ve got these lovely blisters in my mouth and down my throat.

BUT THE WORST THING
is getting Several days of a worse-than-killer-flu-THANG
that KNOCKS ME ON MY BUTT
AND MAKES ME ABSO-FRIGGING-LUTELY WORTHLESS.

IT’S DRAG-MY-ASS-TO-THE-COUCH TIME,
drifting in and out of fever,
until my body decides it’s Ok -

And then, a few days later
(CAN WE HAVE SOME “JAWS” MUSIC, PLEASE?)
I’LL GET EM AGAIN!!! 

Not ONLY am I cancelling everything I was SUPPOSED to be doing,
and either pissing people off BIGTIME, or sending them the message that I’M A FLAKE----

when I FINALLY get my butt back in gear,
it seems I’M EITHER STILL FIGHTING WITH SOME COMPUTER VIRUS
OR SOME GLITCH ON MY HARD DRIVE!

YEAH, I KNOW.......

I’m sure the Universe has some reason for all of this!! 
I just don’t have a clue WHAT.

HEY THERE....UNIVERSE.....

COULD-JA JUST SEND ME AN EMAIL NEXT TIME, HUH???????

(now then:
back to the couch!!!)

a friend shared recently about her “broken” family

i realized that although i came from a very dysfunctional home
(hey, didn’t we ALL?),
i never really thought of my family or myself as being “broken”
until my older sister died,
when i was in my early twenties.

the alcoholism, the learned behaviors of manipulation and lying
...feeling like an imposter....WHATEVER:
i knew where that came from, worked on it...still am…
...but just figured it was the usual “stuff” of life.

i loved my family and felt loved.

then my oldest sister died.
her death was the first of many,
but the most significant in our family,
if one can ever consider the idea of “prioritizing” multiple losses of that nature.

my mother never put up a christmas tree again.
never had a major family dinner or major gathering.
never opened the boxes of her things, sent to us by my brother-in-law.

somehow, it was the beginning of the end
and the undoing of an already fractured family.
we were all adults,
but each began “acting out” in various ways.

add to it a few major illnesses and breakdowns, losses and events,
plus some more deaths along the way,
and it became not a matter of “breaking with my tribe”
but realizing that the few of us left in the tribe were too broken
and had not much to give to ourselves, much less anyone else.

no wonder i married a man with his own breakages,
and created my own, new broken family with his children
and his ex.

it was what i knew.
drama was comfortable.
crisis and chaos were normal to me.

somewhere along the way,
i began recognize that i have a tendency to self destruct.
i own the choices i have made.
the reasons have roots in the past, but if i continue those choices,
i am affirming my broken-ness.

so i struggle against it, on a daily basis.

yet ---at the same time---
i value the “broken-ness” of where i am and have been.

i do not believe i could not begin to create the things i am working on for myself,
had i been complacent.

out of anguish comes light.
(although it DOES take it’s sweet fxxx-ing time!)

when i create a mantel for someone,
using broken china & seashells & stones,
i marvel at the BEAUTY created with broken things.

so i tell myself
(when i once in a while fall into a whiny mode, or into “victim-land"),
that “broken” is synonymous with REBIRTH.

maybe it’s the Scorpio in me, but “breaking with your tribe”
suggests to me the story of CREATION....

...of a glimmer of light shining over the dark, dark lake.

...of a new race, a new people, a new planet.

not such a bad thing.

when i was first a stepmother
to two rowdy little boys
whose mother was friggin absent
even when she was in front of them
if you get my drift

i would get really overwhelmed
by the situation
by their neediness
by the huge void i could see
being created
and by what i worried was to come
in the future

i would focus on what i didn’t know
and on how much they
would need me
since their parents
were so freaking polarized

i dwelt on how lacking i was
and surely would be --
what did i know about this shit?

the battles and the escalations
and how “out there” the mom was
made my dysfuncional upbringing
pale by comparison

on top of that,
my brother was quiet and geeky.
i grew up with geeky sisters
not little boys
who farted in line with me at the bank
and got grubby and smelly
who played every sport known to man
and went to sleep with frogs in their bed
and sidled up to me, wanting to know
how that man down the street
could actually be named DICK????

(think about that, thru the mind
of a small boy....wouldja?!)

oh god,
i asked,
am i gonna be worthy
or just totally add to this
fucked up mess?

then i read somewhere
that we grow in parenting
as our kids (biological or otherwise)
grow

we are “as old” as parents
as our kids are
in age
or something like that

somehow that helped-
somehow i GOT
that it’s gonna be OK,
somehow

i often forget
but this i KNOW,
re parenting and everything else:

we have everything we need
we have everything we need
we have everything we need

(NOTE: ONCE IN A WHILE I’M SHARING SOME PIECES OF POSTS
I WROTE TO MY ONLINE “LIST”...

I CAN SAY ANYTHING THERE AND I’M FEELING LIKE IT’S GOOD
TO SHARE IT HERE, TOO!)

THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE TO A DEAR ONLINE FRIEND:

i’m seeing SOX on little boy feet,
--lovely stinky feet---
the kind of feet that you pet the kitty with,
(although the kitty sometimes snarls)

and that you curl up into a ball with,
as you snuggle on the couch
with mom and bro-bro and who knows who,

in a big soft mix of lovely body parts,
little boys and moms all jumbled together

oh girl!
how rare and wonderful
are the views you provide your kids!

you have the toughest job in the universe
oh yeah

and even if you --if we--are often imperfect-
i firmly believe
we are the perfect parents
at this perfect time
for what our kids need RIGHT NOW

for we allow them to learn
the JOYS OF THE JOURNEY:

we give them the gifts
of seeing us dream
and of hearing us give thanks

from us, they learn to hope,
straining to hear our whispers
as we wish upon another star

they get to feel us tremble
as we risk!
as we LOVE....
as we step out into the unknown
and as we- GASP - allow them to risk, too

and when we fail
they see us pick ourselves up
and BUST OUR BUTTS!

we rise to meet the day,
with new hope
and new promise
(quite often while wearing crazy socks)

YES, we might sometimes wish
for our sons
and step sons
to have known us in a more perfect light-

oh, sure, we could have saved them hurts,
if they could already’ve learned the things
we only now are divining

but maybe
what they most need (or needed)
is to know IT’S OK:

it’s ok to figure it out as you go
it’s ok that some things taste sweeter
the second time aroundi

t’s ok to be wrong
it’s ok to be YOU
(actually it’s pretty fucking special!)

how wonderful
that they’ve learned how special they are
and learned that they have a mom
who is ever present to her feelings!
who has learned to honor her best self
and who challenges those around her
to be their best, too

i honestly don’t think i could ask for much more
than the example that you, my friends, set
for everyone around you!

i hear so much love
when we talk about these things,
whether it’s kids or grandkids or
a friend’s kid or whoever

and i know that this love
rubs off in ways
we cannot even imagine—
IT’S MAGIC

i trust in the magic
i trust in the universe
i trust

there’s something that helped me process getting fired
and starting over
AND OVER (lol)

i realized one day
while reading jacket covers in a bookstore
that there were all these GLOWING words
about every author…

oh the careers they’d had!!!

every one seemed so talented,
so incredibly diverse!

i have to admit, on that particular day,
i was insanely JEALOUS

how dare they fucking be sucessful
when i’m struggling to make a living
and feeling like a FAILURE
and i can’t figure out what i’m supposed 2B doing?!!

then, somehow, it hit me

many of them had had many, many careers—

and i began to wonder
if some of those changes
WERE NOT BY CHOICE--duh!

for some, no doubt,
those twists and turns were from grasping
at the very straws
i was bitching about
and staring in the face.

in an instant, i realized
i could write my story
with my lifechanges as a wonderful narrative....

....or as a victim.

now, often......

I’M TRYING LIKE HELL
to come from a place of thankfullness
for a new opportunity

(deep breath here...)

years of being politically correct
have taught me to often not say what i think

(guess that’s why i love my online friends so much!
no holds barred there!)

i’m realizing, though, that
the things i keep to myself
are the things i should MOST say in my marriage.

i can see how my mom
grew to loathe my dad

(living with an alcoholic can do that)

i was brought up to not value men
(but of course I CRAVED THEM--

i bought into all that “need them to complete me” BS
for a while
(especially after growing up gawky and geeky
and being ignored or made fun of by them
during those lovely teenage years)

however, as i got into my thirties
it very much became a case of
“easier to ask forgiveness than permission”
which turned into not even bothering 2discuss things

i had a good job
i didn’t need a guy for money
and no longer, for validation

i just did what i wanted, traveled, etc
and told him i was doing it.

a lot of it i blamed on my career....
....but truly i was just inconsiderate.

i operated under the assumption that
i was “on my own” ....when i really i was not.

i ran fast and hard for many years
and ignored things about my body,
my marriage
and my life.

i some ways i was running away,
and i knew it.
i was escaping
instead
of working to change the things i didn’t like.

i wonder now --
would anyone have gotten thru to me?
major events had to happen for me to pay attention.
job losses. shingles. crashes. deaths.

what was i waiting for??
god on a billboard??
god in an email?
god hanging out at the frozen foods section?

i can only love ME, RIGHT NOW.
i can only look back without reproach.

i can only go forward.

AND NOW:
how sometimes excruciating
but how joyous for us
to finally examine all the nuances of “PARTNER”

it ain’t easy....
but it’s the journey
of a lifetime

i really meant what i said yesterday
about being GLAD TO FEEL

there are times we move forward, and
we are inclined to see that as progress

FUNNY: when there is lots of activity
the world sees this as success

yet i believe we need the times we derail and get stuck

we need times that --whether deliberate or NOT,
we STOP AND THINK
and allow ourselves the luXury of revisiting things,
those things we usually don’t want to remember

all of this has value
all of this has it’s place,
whether the world rewards it or smiles upon it

it’s just part of the cycle

it’s yin and yang
light and darkness
push and pull

IT’S BEING MINDFUL

and although uncomfortable,
it has it’s place
in the big scheme of the world

(hmmmm..... just like each of us do)

ahhh...that made me smile!